The Consequence

Now it's time to address those connections of mine from childhood, or school, or some other 'former life' who enjoy the title 'Christian' or even respect of Isho Yēšūa (Jesus) hiding with their head down as a closeted supporter of Trump... I have a few words.

During Bishop Marianne Edgar Budde's sermon, these were the faces when the name of 'Jesus Christ of Nazareth' was invoked.

Lara Trump rolled her eyes at the word 'mercy', Trump's pig-faced daughter Tiffany Trump had a look of disdain through the whole thing, "God fearing' JD Vance looks like he's taking a difficult shit, and Usha Vance had the goddamn nerve to roll her eyes when Budde discussed immigration.


I grow tired of people like you willfully ignoring the powers at play here which supersede the human element. These days were discussed in ancient scripts even before the invention of modern-day english transcripted texts called 'Bibles'. It described a movement in opposition to Christ, and it is here.

If you call yourself an evangelical you know exactly what I am referring to here. Folks, Trump was unable to place his hand on one of those texts called a 'Bible' which is just a poorly translated series of ancient scripts. You are fooling no one with your shrugged hedging.
Before we label you as the fraud you are. Let's examine a fair truth. I've had more than a few discussions with folks on both sides of the political aisle about how far fanaticism ON BOTH SIDES has gone.
I've been studying fanaticism for eight years, starting with Amos Oz's writings on the Middle East conflict.
There is a book by Tim Alberta called 'The Kingdom, The Power, and The Glory' which will educate you on how the church became a slave of politics. You won't like what you read, but, hey they are facts, as inconvenient as you find them. This describes how fanaticism exploded on the RIGHT.
Now, fanaticism also exploded on the LEFT. What was once a reasonable a working model to protect all humans (listen back to Budde's sermon) yes, the very same talked about by most Democrats and Dr. Martin Luther King himself and originally Jesus (Sermon On The Mount among hundreds of others) and most well-respected world leaders, somehow began to careen into some inconceivable, frightening and unworkable territory.

The biggest example of this that is currently impacting our country right now is an out-of-control border. This nation was founded and built by immigrants. They are one of the most important backbones of our enriched society and economy. But the border now is at a crisis stage. Somehow that fact, (and it is a fact) got uniformly ignored and swept under the rug to the point now where the other side of the fanaticism spectrum believes that they should bring down the hammer.
It does NOT serve this country to leave the border crisis as it is, that was a terrible mistake of the Democrats. Unfortunately polices like this fueled the anger and fire of the insane right. So, what happens when you discuss this as part of your 'standing?!' You do have a point! Absolutely. BOTH SIDES of the political aisle reached the point of insanity.

It's the understanding of the subject. I heard a young person say in a coffee shop that it labeled one ‘a racist and a bigot’ to not leave the border completely open. That's a pretty extreme and stupid thing to say. Unfortunately? That is the kind of EXTREME sentiment flying around in ALL directions right now.

So I see you meekly posting things like "Well the public has spoken, so ya know shut up and stuff... The election's over"
No, it's your ineptitude to see the forest for the trees. You threw your support behind pure evil because you were not awake or informed enough to see a reasonable path through insanity. We are not making hypotheses about his agenda, he's telling us outright. That's a bit different from your uninformed ramblings about the state of the world and insane conspiracy theories.

"Wuuulllll.. tha aconomie is better since he took office, He's gunna bring down prices"
Christ on His Throne! The fuck it is! The economy is informed by the four phases of an economic cycle, expansion, peak, contraction, and trough. This takes time, especially at the outset of inflation that began in 2020! Try adding a tariff parade to that and laying off millions in government, etc.

This man labeled January 6 insurrectionists as 'hostages' as in POW 'hostages'.

Listen, when the PAIN of what has just taken place begins to set in the consequences that Bishop Budde was talking about will be the kind GOD talks about in scripture and was relayed by human writers in their understanding and language.
They talk about a fire that burns from the inside, crying, and gnashing of teeth. A pain that can never be extinguished. Rudolf Franz Ferdinand Höss, lead Commandant of Auschwitz talked about this incredible pain with the rope around his neck before they kicked the stand from under his feet. His last words?
'Möge Christus mir vergeben' "May Christ forigve me" those were his last words.

It will be the pain of conscience. As we watch many become consumed and thrown into a ruinous tailspin and wanton destruction in the next few months and hopefully limited to one ruinous term, there will be no one who feels for you. That is the consequence. You will be remembered for throwing your loyalty and your support behind true evil. There is a difference between a place on a political spectrum, and civil unity as Budde discussed, and your blind, self-enriching worship of this terrible movement, so very clearly against the Creator. ܗܹܐܪܵܝܵܢ

“My vintage 1956 Stanley Edgar Hyman arrived in the mail today. Look at these yellowed pages... I’m so curious about the very man who complicated and elevated the life of one of my literary heroes.”

Martyrdom- Legacy or Death?

In Arabic, the word shahid means "witness". The pronunciation of our word martyr hails from the Greek word mártys (μάρτυς) translated to 'witness'.
From the days of Perpetua of Carthage through the ages the stories of martyrs are endless. Pop culture names have carved out a vision of what a martyr means.

Though martyrs serve in different ways and their ultimate demise differs, usually their lives are taken from them mid stride. In the breadth of service, that is an important distinction.
Martin Luther King Jr knew of his impending death as a ‘feeling’ he couldn’t shake and confided in a friend about it. But he didn’t go looking for death. He kept his stride steady in service and remained steadfast to his Higher Power. The date and time came like a thief in the night.

I can think of no stronger modern-day martyr than Alexei Anatolyevich Navalny, described by Wiki as a Russian opposition leader, lawyer, anti-corruption activist, and political prisoner.
In truth, no matter what it cost him, (and it cost him plenty) Navalny dedicated his life to educating his fellow man about how they’ve been routinely sanctioned, blindfolded, lied to, bullied, extorted, gaslit, and generally subjugated into an oppressive patriotism of Russia’s most notorious leader in generations. Like, the corrupt kings of Exodus, it is said that Putin greenlit the killing of Navalny as a 70th ‘birthday gift’.
When I learned that Navalny was killed successfully this time—remember they unsuccessfully poisoned him with nerve agents previously—I thought about what the word Martyr means.

Dr. David Cook, who studies the apocalyptic and millenarian tradition in Islam, wrote that the concept of martyrdom is a masthead in all the major monotheistic religions. He saw it as a testament to the truth of the faith. Martyrdom became a central feature of jihad as early as the 9th century according to his writings, but in his version of martyrdom “Modern-day globalist Muslim radicals want to return the concept of martyrdom to its original meaning of battlefield death.”
This concept of martyrdom focuses on the death of a member of religious and socio-political theorists and focuses less on his leadership, communication, socio-political work, research, and revelations.

One of my personal favorite martyrs in history would be Isho Yeshu īšōʕ who was murdered by state-sanctioned violence in the order that they might stop his socio-political and societal revelations to the population. I think if you were to ask Him today he wouldn’t say “I died for religion”
I believe Navalny would have preferred to ‘go on.’ In fact his foreshadowing of his moment, his words were “If they are successful in killing me, this means we are strong, do not give up, continue.”
If given the choice, I believe the true martyr would go on, even in the face of having everything taken from them, one by one by one. Death is not their pinnacle, their biggest sacrifice, but their legacy in trial is.

In Navalny’s case, this wasn’t a small grassroots movement that one day rolled into legislative actions to change a part of a nation’s movement in the world. He took on an entirely corrupt and deadly Russian governance and at the same time attempted to persuade Russian citizens that they would one day have freedom of the press, freedom of ideas, freedom of information, and freedom of enterprise.
I don’t believe the true martyr calls themselves martyrs.
I’m grateful for Navalny’s sacrifice of lived experience for a legacy. He knew he would be jailed but continued. In the face of the very worst, he became the leader agitator, and powerful continuum that Putin could only dream of. In a way, one might say his death had made him more powerful. For Putin, it backfired. In a time yielding so much death, I hope to have the energy to keep taking in the legacies. We have to believe in its gestational power. A seed planted.

The Unimaginable

The winter storm of 2024 came in with a soft breath of swirling powder dancing on the pavement. I wondered, even amid the cold snap what kind of presence she would make.

I often feel a kind of frenetic energy, a type of anxiousness right before something is set to happen. That something is of more consequential impact. I struggled with the migraine, the sleepless nights, and the wondering. 
Then it happened.
But it didn’t happen to me. It happened to my wonderful friend whom I’ve held close through the years. A brilliant artist whose stories and education about her heritage helped shape the art community and literary world of our beautiful city over the years. Shu-Wang and her husband Mike lived art, they didn’t just create it. The way she speaks, the way she writes, the way she moves in the world. Their gorgeous home was a testament to her love of nature.
Twenty different species of birds, chickens, and Koi fish in their pond. A garden of delights.
In the violent ice, wind and snow storm, a series of towering evergreens sliced through their home and smashed that gorgeous garden.

Snow and ice gripped our Portland area with a vengeance. When the winds began to blow I groaned.
The postings by the scores, friends, and loved ones, one by one by one report the power outages.
Then came the emotional posting from Shu-Ju, picture after picture set a vision for the absolute torrent of loss.

I don’t remember thinking about it, I just remember taking the reins right away. One thing you understand if you have been in the construction and development community as long as I have, is that unless you operate within it, it is much like speaking another language to someone who is not. 
I have worked on hundreds of disaster restoration issues over the years, felled trees, water intrusions, and fire. I know the steps, the systems, and the right contacts to ensure that at least through the physical restoration process, they get through it. Shu-Ju gave me the trust and autonomy to project manage this disaster as a way that I could serve in this harrowing situation. All of their friends and loved ones stepped in. Food, lodging, support, supplies, care and love. It was indicative of a life well lived and loved. This is the life you want to lead. One where if disaster comes calling, your loved ones rally to support and lift you.

Ice set us behind in tree removal and restoration teams showing on site. Cranes and teams could not fight against the landscape until some of it thawed.
During this time an even more despicable event happened. They were burglarized. Someone scaled the treacherous environment to enter the house and steal items left behind, including Mike’s rare cello. I was stunned, I was angry, I was confused as to how such a traumatic thing could happen to one of the best people I know.
Then I became quiet and I watched. I watched the patience and fortitude of the woman this happened to reach out like a beacon shining in fog. In moments where my struggles combined with watching this terrible event happen to a good friend compounded into anger against my own higher power, I heard that still small voice say “Pay attention, Jennifer, see how she navigates, her point of views, listen carefully, for actions and works are the greater teacher of wisdom” 

A few days later another incredible event happened. This time, justice. The Portland Police see thousands of burglaries. They are so overburdened I thought that this one would evaporate into the ethos much like the others. But Shu-Ju’s husband Mike was able to track his stolen electronics to an address and gave this info in their report of burglary to the police. The Portland Police executed a search warrant and partnered with the Sheriff’s office and Tigard Police and Kowalski was brought in. It was an important message to send to criminals in our state about not taking advantage of natural disaster situations. I am beyond grateful.

That voice was right, we live in a world filled with words but actions are the greater teacher of wisdom. If I squint hard enough, I can see a way through the fog to the possibility that the pieces can be gathered and made into something good. Though it takes some imagination now, I can see where the garden just might be made into something better than it was before, but it is hard to see through the mess and mire of minutes now. 

Some situations seem so excruciating in their timetables, and it seems as though faith, even the size of a mustard seed maintained, can move mountains. I’ve lived long enough to know that sometimes it is through retrospect. You don’t see it until you’ve reached the other side. 


The traveling victory skirt

When I made that flaring orange skirt years ago, I made it thinking I would use it in an art project.
The idea was lovely, it had bright orange tulle, with infused dark pink. I never wore it but it stayed in the closet for years. I couldn’t part with it.
One year, my childhood friend Kira said, you know? I really like that skirt! I thought it was perfect for her too. I mailed it to her.
Never in a million years did I think that skirt would be worn in victory over Kira’s battle with double mastectomy breast cancer at National Breast Cancer awareness events. It really was like it was initially made for her. The connections of both worlds. The past, the present, art and community. It’s a thing to behold sometimes.
One year in middle school, I caught the sun bouncing off her bright springy curls as we waited to get into the gym to start basketball practice. Never in a million years did I think I’d still know her mid life, or watch her so valiantly fight and win against a deadly cancer. Sometimes these events are an important aspect in anchoring me to a timeless self, no matter how much it changes through the years.

The Palate Cleanser Experience

Experiences are important I'd say. Always more involved than we think and the end result is almost never what we imagine it will be.

For a very long time, I've imagined what it would be like to create a shampoo from my favorite flower The Eternal Flame yellow rose.
So for some reason, now, I looked up recipes and decided to dive in.
I made sure to study carefully so I wouldn't subject loved ones to a mess. It turns out of course that shampoo made from roses has been done, many times. It was good to have a road map.

What I learned was, it took more research, more patience and God knows a lot more investment than I thought. I also found out that creating shampoo or any bath body elixir for a human being is near impossible. Everyone has differing PH balances, oil production and skin etc..
But what the process was more like creating a potion. A physical manifestation that had intention and prayer infused in it. It is like bottling love and sending it. Good news for me, was that if this creation didn't work on my loved ones hair per se, it would be an exquisite body wash.

In the beginning I thought if I perfected this, that I could create a unique little side deal that begin to pay for itself. But as much as liked the idea, the universe said, no. She said firstly you cannot sell prayers, they must be given, and secondly my path should not include this effort at this time. I think I knew exactly what she was speaking about.
I believe the universe has been pretty clear on what she wants me to focus on now, and I think this little project was another action of creation, maybe even of the art side of me. It was what I call a 'palate cleanser' experience.
The experience was less about adding 'I can make shampoo with roses' to my list of skills and more about learning about human nature. The most exquisite thing in the universe is a loved one who smiles, cheers you on, and tries your bottled effort.
THAT right there is magic. Universe is right, you can't buy or sell love. It's priceless.

Yellow Rose, Gold and Saffron Potion

Well, I’ve decided to try it.
A potion made of my ultimate favorite flower, the yellow rose, a casting of saffron, and a casting of gold fleck. It will come in the form of a shampoo.
I noticed that the beautiful yellow rose, my favorite flower, loses her potential when you cut her off at the stem and throw in a vase in some marketplace.
What way could we really experience her essence is a more intimate way. In what way could you bottle love, castings of strength and wellbeing, and literally hand it to your loved ones? Bottled shampoo no less.
First stirrings happening soon.
P.S. this isn’t a sustainable ‘hobby’ The ingredients are astonishingly expensive and it takes pointed concentration.

When Our Memories Come Closer

I've often said to folks, listen, if you want to 'experience' Portland, I mean really experience it through the eyes of one of it's most willful daughters, read Monica Drake's works.
In both works The Stud Book and the Folly of Loving Life, you'll read the ending and close the back cover feeling as though you were born and raised in this complicated city. And, it is so important to tell the story of this--complicated city.

It is important because it is changing, some may say it is even dying.
Though many hold out hope for it's assuming an ultimate healed and recovered form, the phase we are in now is attrition. There is a grieving or a nostalgia as we face an uncertain future.
The last time I'd felt like I'd stepped into the skin of a character and really lived their verisimilitudes in experiencing a city, you could almost smell the air...that was Renata Adler's Pitch Black and Speedboat. The city was New York.

For me, the arrival of 'Come Closer' was at a cross roads in my life. I'd just come back from doing street outreach for my agency, a Portland homeless advocacy. In addition I'd looked at the electrical in our Chinatown warehouse, and passed the Annual Rose Festival on the way home. It was cross section take on post apocalyptic Portland the year 2023 where everything has changed.
In 'Come Closer' Monica transported me back to Mayor Vera Katz Portland. I'm back there, right back in that tumultuous time in my life, now remembering what I'd forgotten. Weaving back and forth into and out of the reader and the character. It was another successful teleportation.

To bring life to the City of Roses in the mind of a reader is no easy feat. Though much smaller, you may as well attempt to do the same with New York. Many try, few succeed.

I think I'll carry these memories with me into the future, a future so elusive to prediction.